3D Dot Game Heroes is the awkwardly titled new video game from Atlus and From Software, the evil, evil people behind last year's cult favourite Demon's Souls. It seems as though the company really has a penchant for making games with an old-school vibe to them, which is both a blessing and a curse. Set in the far off realm of Dotnia, Heroes tells the tale of a dark evil which attempted to take over the world before a young hero, wielding a magical sword imbued with the power of six sages sealed him away. Flash forward to present day, the evil is back and you must take up the mantle of the legendary hero, collect six orbs from these sages and defeat the Dark Lord once again. I'll stop there.It's Zelda. No really, it's Zelda through and through. You collect four pieces of apple to get a new apple...container. There are upright pigs shooting arrows at you, octopi hopping out of water spewing stones at you and spiders hopping about after you. There is a hook on a chain which propels you between wooden posts. It's retro Zelda all the way. The interesting twist is two-fold. First, the game is in 3D. You see, the King of Dotnia was worried when tourist dollars began to disappear, so he converted everyone to 3D. The game has a very interesting aesthetic in that it is in 3D but still comprised of "pixels". Very original to say the least. The second major difference is the fact that your sword of legend can be upgraded to the point where it fills the entire screen and can pass through solid objects. In practice, once powerful enough, this means you can kill just about everything on the screen from the doorway. It's pretty cool. But necessary because, well, From Software also went retro with the difficulty of the game.
I consider myself a pretty patient person. I've long given up on playing games for any sort of real challenge. It's not a job. Why would I need to expend any effort above and beyond what I find enjoyable? For this reason, I very rarely get angry with a game. That said, today, while playing 3D Dot Game Heroes I am not proud to admit that I rage quit. I make a practice of quitting play sessions in an area where I'm not stuck so as to increase the likelihood that I actually come back and continue playing. There's nothing worse than sitting down for some relaxation and remembering that you ended on a sour note. But alas, Heroes quite righteously kicked my ass today. For, despite having a gigantic sword which engulfs enemies with steely justice, I failed to escape the grasps of the devilish programmer's whims. The culprit: the Fire Temple. The enemies: yellow tentacle assholes who, when you touch them, bring your health down to 1/2 apple (heart for those playing along at home with the Zelda comparisons) and drain you of all your magic. A dramatic re-enactment, if you will, of my reaction to this:What.
(Note: This was not a question.)
This would not be as big a deal if your gigantic sword was not reduced to a piddling normal size if you lose any health at all. It's like the lasers shooting out of your sword in the original Zelda if you're at full health. Except that if you lose the ability to swing your huge sword, it's a big deal. A "you will die for sure" kind of deal. Not right away though. The game will let you get far enough and then kill you off with some new ridiculosity later. Now, this wasn't a big issue earlier in the game when the dungeons were easier. And later, the dungeons at least became circular in nature, so that if you died you could get back to where you were in good time. Yeah, they also borrowed that terrible checkpoint system from Zelda. Start of dungeon only. Luckily, they do grant you all your health (and subsequent perks in the form of a huge sword) so you're good so long as you reached some milestone before dying.
But not the fire temple. No, it's based around those switch cube puzzles popularized in (surprise!) Zelda. In order to get back to where you were before, you must traverse the entire dungeon. If you touch one of them yellow things, you're done. Even if you lose a teensy bit of health, your survival rate plummets. After two hours, I had had enough. Swearing at the tv screen and giving it the finger, I shut the game off.
It's unfortunate, really, since the game is quite a bit of fun otherwise. It's loaded with references to retro 8-Bit games and other From Software titles and has a great sense of humour. I guess any game which has you swing a gigantic sword and allows you to create your own dot-character (among the pre-sets are such gems as a single shark fin or a reed acting as a snorkle for an underwater ninja) has to have this type of humour. The looping midis are appropriate but only further aggravate the issues with the re-playing of dungeons. I appreciate what 3D Dot Game Heroes does right and lament the things it does wrong. After all, I do really like Zelda.
I figure footage of the game itself is probably necessary so it will do for the crazy random ending to this post. Enjoy.
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